In a totally legitimate and not-at-all politically motivated move, FBI Director Kash Patel has ordered the seizure of phone and bank records for every single staffer who worked for former Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi on January 6, 2021—because, as everyone knows, the real criminals that day were the ones hiding under their desks, not the ones climbing through windows.
Patel, who was appointed to the FBI director position under unclear and possibly imaginary circumstances, announced the sweeping investigation in a Fox News exclusive where he assured viewers that he is “following the evidence wherever it leads”—which just so happens to be directly into the offices of political opponents.
What Are They Looking For?
According to sources deep inside the Department of Just Us and Nobody Else Matters, Patel’s investigation is zeroing in on bank transfers, Venmo payments, and late-night Uber receipts to determine whether Pelosi’s staff secretly orchestrated the entire Capitol riot.
“We have reason to believe some of these aides were spending money on things like ‘coffee’ and ‘lunch’ on January 6th,” Patel explained. “And we all know what ‘coffee’ really means in Deep State code.”
When pressed for actual evidence, Patel smiled confidently and gestured toward a giant corkboard covered in blurry screenshots, red string, and a single Post-it note that just said ‘Pelosi = BAD’ in Sharpie.
Follow the Money!
So far, early findings indicate that at least one Pelosi staffer used Apple Pay to purchase a muffin on the morning of January 6th. Another withdrew $40 from an ATM the night before, raising serious questions about where that money went and whether it was used to fund Antifa operations.
Perhaps most damning of all, Joe Barron, a former Pelosi intern, reportedly paid his Verizon bill that week, suggesting he was actively communicating with someone.
“We have to ask ourselves, why was he making sure his phone was working? What was he planning to do with all those bars of service?” Patel mused.
More Investigations to Come
This probe is just the beginning. Patel hinted that his next move could involve seizing security camera footage from inside the Capitol to see if anyone working for Pelosi blinked in Morse code to communicate with operatives.
“You never know how deep the conspiracy goes,” Patel said. “And if we don’t find anything, that just proves how good they are at covering it up.”
Meanwhile, Art Tubolls, Patel’s newly appointed Senior Investigator of Totally Real Crimes, is reportedly combing through hours of surveillance footage, pausing every few minutes to circle random faces and whisper, “They look suspicious.”
Where Does It End?
With the full force of the FBI now focused on Pelosi’s staffers, there’s no telling who could be implicated next. Patel has promised that no Starbucks order, no Venmo payment, and no “totally normal” trip to a Whole Foods will go unexamined.
And if, for some strange reason, none of this actually leads to any charges, Patel says that’s fine—because at the end of the day, “we’ve successfully wasted another news cycle distracting from all the actual crimes committed by our own side.”
God Bless America.
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