Man is stumbling through the woods one Sunday morning…

A man is stumbling through the woods one Sunday morning, drunk as a skunk and humming an off-key version of “Amazing Grace.” His clothes are soaked with whiskey, his breath could ignite a forest fire, and every tree he passes gets a slurred apology.

Eventually, he stumbles upon a small riverbank where a preacher is standing waist-deep in the water, passionately baptizing a line of faithful followers. The preacher is in full swing, shouting, “Come forth and be saved! Let the Lord cleanse your sins!”

The drunk watches for a moment, squinting as if trying to determine whether it’s a baptism or a pool party. Then, deciding this might be fun—or at least wet—he wades into the water, nearly falling flat on his face. He staggers toward the preacher, who notices him just in time to catch a strong whiff of pure bourbon in the air.

The preacher recoils slightly and says, “Son, have you come here today to find Jesus?”

The drunk nods enthusiastically. “Yessir! I been lookin’ fer him all morning!”

Taking him at his word, the preacher grabs the man and dunks him fully under the water.

He lifts him up and asks, “Brother, have you found Jesus?”

The drunk blinks water out of his eyes and shakes his head. “Nope, not yet.”

A bit surprised, the preacher frowns but tries again. He holds him under the water a few seconds longer this time, then pulls him up with renewed energy.

“Now, have you found Jesus?”

The drunk coughs, sputters, and gasps, “No sir, still no sign of ‘im.”

Now visibly frustrated but committed to the cause, the preacher mutters a prayer under his breath, grips the man tightly, and dunks him under again—this time holding him down for a good thirty seconds. Bubbles rise. Fish scatter. Somewhere nearby, a frog croaks nervously.

Finally, the preacher hauls the man up with both arms. The drunk emerges, eyes wide, hair slicked to his forehead, gasping like a beached catfish. He coughs, spits out half the river, and looks around in confusion.

Before the preacher can even ask, the drunk waves a hand and says, “Listen, padre… are you sure this is where he fell in? ‘Cause I’ve been down there three times and all I found was a crawdad!”