My teen daughter chose her cheating dad over me & cut all contact, asks me for money years later

Navigating the complexities of family dynamics, especially after a painful divorce, can be incredibly challenging. Your situation—where your daughter distanced herself from you due to the fallout with your ex-husband—highlights the deep emotional scars that can result from such turmoil. It’s completely understandable that you’d feel conflicted about her recent request for financial assistance with her college tuition, especially after years of silence and estrangement.

Your marital woes, particularly discovering your husband’s infidelity during such a vulnerable time, would have naturally taken an enormous toll on your emotions and perceptions of family. The pressure from both sides of your family to forgive him adds another layer of difficulty to an already complex situation. It’s important to acknowledge the pain you’ve endured and the sacrifices you’ve made, including the heartbreak of losing custody of your daughter due to your ex-husband’s influence.

Your daughter’s upbringing—shaped by her father’s narrative and possibly misconceptions about your character—has likely contributed to her decision to distance herself. Imagine how painful it must have been to know she was raised with those beliefs, as it suggests a rupture not just in your relationship, but also in the very foundation of your identity as a mother. It’s not just a request for financial support; it’s a plea from someone who may have only recently begun to understand the complexities of the past.

When she reached out for tuition assistance, it could be interpreted in multiple ways. Perhaps she’s recognizing the value of education and is reevaluating her past views. Or maybe she’s facing the harsh reality of adult life and is realizing she needs her mother’s support, regardless of the years that have passed. This can elicit feelings of resentment on your part, as you might feel that she is primarily interested in a financial transaction rather than mending the emotional wounds between you two.

Here are a few options to consider for your response:

1. Open a Dialogue: If you’re open to it, you might want to respond to her request with an invitation for conversation. This could provide both of you an opportunity to address the past and express your feelings. You can clarify how her absence affected you while also hearing her perspective.
2. Set Boundaries: If you decide to help, consider establishing clear terms. This could include conditions for her tuition assistance, such as attending family therapy sessions or committing to rebuilding your relationship.
3. Reflect on Your Feelings: Take time to consider what you truly want. Is it reconciliation, financial autonomy, or perhaps a desire for understanding? Your feelings are valid, and you deserve to prioritize your emotional well-being.
4. Maintain Your Principles: If your decision is influenced by conditions set in your will or prior commitments, it’s okay to uphold those. Communicate them calmly and firmly to your daughter, ensuring she understands your perspective is about more than just the money.

Whatever route you take, know that this is a significant moment in your relationship with your daughter. The choice will inherently carry emotional weight, both for you and for her. It may not lead to an immediate resolution or reconciliation, but it could pave the way for a more constructive dialogue in the future. Remember, your feelings and experiences matter immensely, and they deserve to be acknowledged as part of this complex equation.