Dear Wife,
I’m writing this letter to inform you that I am leaving you for good. I have been a good man to you during our seven years of marriage, and I have nothing to show for it.
These past two weeks have been difficult for me. Your boss informed me that you quit your job today, and that was just too much to bear any longer.
Last week, you came home and didn’t even notice that I had a new haircut, that I had cooked your favorite meal, or that I was wearing a brand new pair of silk boxers.
You ate in two minutes and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soap operas. You don’t tell me you love me anymore; you don’t want sex or anything that connects us as husband and wife.
Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me anymore; whatever the case, it’s over, and I am leaving.
Your EX-Husband
P.S. Don’t try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
Dear Ex-Husband,
Believe me, nothing has brightened my day more than receiving your letter. It’s certainly true that you and I have been married for the past seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you’ve been.
I watch my TV shows so much because they drown out your constant whining and complaining, although that doesn’t seem to work.
I definitely noticed your haircut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was, “You look just like a girl!” Since my mother taught me not to say anything if I couldn’t say something nice, I chose not to comment.
And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have confused me with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven long years ago.
Regarding those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still attached, and I hoped it was just a coincidence that my sister had borrowed $50 from me that morning.
Despite all of this, I still loved you and felt we could make it work. So when I won the lottery for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home, you were gone.
Everything happens for a reason, I suppose. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer informed me that your letter guarantees you won’t receive a dime from me. So take care.
Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!
P.S. I’m not sure if I ever mentioned this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that’s not an issue!
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